"Outcome is important to the ego, process is important to awakening"
There is one struggle, one challenge in life, and that is our relationship to the self. It is ours to wrestle with and/or surrender to.
This one struggle, which is most important in its effect on the whole is with the mental, emotional apparatus. By refining the relationship with self, with God, this apparatus reflects pure consciousness, and one creates fewer and fewer selfish, egocentric thoughts and emotions. Then one’s view is pristine, surveying the mountainous perfection, unobscured by judgment and projection; a Divine manifestation of individualized spirit magnified by the recognition of truth.
During this yoga exercise, my longest vision quest ever, coupled with methods of physical purification, I am experiencing the expelling of not only toxins but also non-self, thoughts that upon scrutiny reveal themselves to be poisons, more toxic than any chemical residue that could ever inhabit the body. The residues are also being expelled through body pain, rashes, headaches and the like. Through Grace and Her Divine support, the handling of this process has been reasonably gentle. That is not to say lacking in challenge and the need for personal discipline, but surely would be more difficult on my own. That doesn't seem possible now, but I can assure you, with the separation issues I was toting around, it was not only possible, but quite debilitating. To know that we are supported in all we do, that we are not alone, is strengthening on all levels.
Like the rashes and headaches that appear and disappear, the physical and sexual desires that ebb and flow, the mind stuff fluctuates also, giving rise to love, and descending into anger, followed by yet another level of purification, a morphing of intuition and a deepening of wisdom.
The mental articulations are relaxing now and lessening in their ability to distract me from the course of this practice, a practice that is both a gift and a responsibility, a clear map with vague directions leading me back home.
The need for these lessons and practices will resurface, like an inconvenient but necessary pimple, purposely placed, painfully at my third eye to further guide me through meditation and sometimes, mad attention. This prayerful practice is hard work demanding diligence and a vigilant eye. At times it is bliss, washing the windows of my perceptions, a cosmic joke, dispelling darkness, displaying truth, illumination.
It is 2am in this peaceful present, I am sure that the mental movements that are fancies and preferences will likely surface again as I go deeper into the purification of self and body.
I thank the Holiest of Holies for this Divine desire to do Yoga, for without Grace, I would be more lost in this Samsara than I am, never considering the potential awakening that is available in this very moment.